About Me, Kim Murray
My Journey with ADHD
I know what it feels like to not fit in anywhere. I am intimately familiar with the whole sense I should be somewhere else, doing something else. But what? I had no idea.
Now, I know why.
Hi. I’m Kim Murray, Wellness Warrior, Self-Healer, and…
I have ADHD.
At age 48, as I was desperate to find out what was wrong with me, while being dragged – by my hair – through a dastardly smelly swamp with blood-thirsty leeches, voracious mosquitos, venomous snakes, starving alligators, and raging skin-eating bacteria… otherwise known as the divorce from my ex-husband. Signs were everywhere…including in Charleston, SC – where I “found myself” at a DEAD END at the corner of Battery Place and Murray Boulevard on one of my wanderlust trips to escape my life. How ironic. I snapped a photo and sent it to my therapist. Could there be a more blatant sign?!
I finally figured out that I have ADHD (among other things that ride ADHD’s coattails). I’m not talking a minor case of ADHD here. Mine is severe. But no one would know that because they can’t see inside my head. I’ve got the combo package, but I primarily have the inattentive type. The type that makes me seem forgetful, disorganized and flighty – kinda like the dumb blonde everyone would like to think I am. Check every single box there is for inattentive and add a few exclamation points! There are a couple obvious hyperactive traits in my arsenal of ADHD awesomeness, including interrupting people and impulsivity. I’m working on those. My hidden gems are why I was never diagnosed…and I had 48 years to figure out how to adapt to my malfunctions. I did pretty well! But that’s because I hate failure and I will come up with a plan (plans A-F usually) to get whatever it is I gotta do…DONE.
Things are finally making sense now that I know what’s going on. It’s like a jigsaw puzzle I couldn’t solve because the cat ate a few pieces and shoved a few others under the rug. In my head this whole time, I thought I was normal. Nope. Not normal at all. Thoughts leap frog other thoughts that compete with 20 more thoughts and ideas and solutions and what I shoulda/woulda/coulda said with a side of what I shoulda/woulda/coulda done, served up with piles of non-stop ruminating and making to do lists and plans and plotting revenge and recalling everything I should have let go years ago, and and and and AND… No one knew I had a problem – including me.
My dad always said I “marched to my own drum.” Yep. I was too busy thinking (and perhaps avoiding his demeaning commentary) – and I thought everyone else was, too! If I would have run around like a screaming banshee, tearing the house apart board by board like one of my cousins, then people would have caught on! But I, along with the rest of the family, sat there in horror as we watched a feral cat in a circus before we ate Thanksgiving dinner. Nothing was “wrong” with me. I just “wasn’t the smart one” or “the one who would amount to much.” Oh, do I have lots to say about that! Turns out (with my vast research – I do have ADHD after all), this neurodivergent “gift,” along with her big sister Autism, are passed on by the father’s side. I also learned ADHDers are susceptible to abuse. By nature, we’re people pleasers and we will serve everyone else before we serve ourselves. People take advantage of us, and we allow it to happen – because we’re all about the underdog. If everyone else is happy, we’re happy. And we work hard to keep it that way. Which is why I was trapped in a miserable, abusive marriage I could not fix – no matter how hard I tried.
Oh boy…so unpacking all this…along with menopause blazing a giant hole straight to the molten center of the Earth under my bed – has been quite something. And the self-help quest is way past anything I thought imaginable. But I’m DOING IT. And I’m going to keep doing it because I am a true work in progress. Over the past several brutal years of experiments and trying pretty much everything, I’ve gotten my racing thoughts, anxiety, depression, and complex PTSD regulated – without medication!! I lost 60 pounds, I’m in the best shape of my entire life (including high school – I’m on the left with my pal Kelly – we were about 17 in the photo), I reversed my type 2 diabetes, my blood pressure has its own bragging rights, and I finally learned what it feels like to sleep for the first time in my life. I even GREW an inch! I’m supposed to be shrinking! Now, I’m almost the height I claimed I was on the basketball roster in high school (when I had my shoes on.) Osteoporosis? Not here. Oh – and I FINALLY got my divorce.
I’m seeing the light on the other side, and it is SO bright!! And with all this effort, research, and knowledge, I’ve decided I need to help other people – especially women – like me. If I can do all this, so can someone else if they want it bad enough! And I’ll be doing it WITH them, because I practice what I preach.
If you have ADHD – or believe you might – I can help you navigate your way to the other side. The grass won’t always be greener, but it sure isn’t brown and dead! Nope. It’s alive and well – and you’ll see it, too.
Now, let’s make me nice and human.
I have LOTS of Comorbid Dysfunctions!
My vast research has helped me self-diagnose additional “glitches” I’m “blessed” with…that love commingling with ADHD! I find comfort knowing there are actually labels I can attach to these things. I stopped feeling ashamed, because it’s not like I can make them leave! To me, knowledge is power. Knowing what they are means I can control them better! Now THAT…I can do and be proud of.
1: Major Depressive Disorder
Persistent “blahs,” that affect how a person feels, thinks, and handles daily activities –Depression is VERY REAL in my world. One minute, I’ll feel fine. The next minute, this mysterious wave can wash over me and hijack any good mood I may have been experiencing. It’s like the lights get dimmer, colors aren’t as bright, and I feel this negative vibe move in like a blizzard through Montana. Another strange phenomenon… when I’m having a depressive episode, I feel SHORT. It’s like my depth perception also changes. I’m happy to say this one is under control! When I feel an episode coming on, I can recognize it and do the self-care I need to fight it off. Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS) made a huge difference.
2: Generalized Anxiety Disorder
Chronic, excessive worry leading to restlessness, fatigue, difficulty concentrating, muscle tension, and sleep disturbances – Anxiety has been with me my entire life. I worry about everything, even if it’s not even a thing! I make backup plans for my contingency plans, fret over little things I shouldn’t even care about, and I have so much tension in my shoulders that I can’t find my neck. I’ve always chewed my nails till they bleed, and when things get bad enough, I full-on shut down because I don’t know what else to do (besides freak out, ruminate, or hit up the Sevvie for wine/bubbly!) I know I’ll be riddled with anxiety for life. It’s my ADHD. But NOW…I have a say in my symptoms and severity. Priceless.
3: Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) – Pure Obsessional
Or “Pure O”: Subtype of OCD but without visible compulsive behaviors – This…is ALSO why I can’t sleep. I can’t shut off my head to save my life. My brain spins around in this circular, obsessive motion like a merry-go-round with no way off. I think about the same miserable things over and over and over and over. I also constantly find myself (silently) counting things. I wish I could count SHEEP when I sleep! That might be a bit more productive. I have my collection of “mantras” that can relieve some anxiety – when I can actually concentrate long enough to get through them.
4: Hypersensitivity
I have a PILE of these!! Misophonia, or my life-long hatred for noise absolutely hijacks all other sensory input to my brain. It’s my biggest hypersensitive issue – leaving whatever racket I’m dealing with…a hyperfocus nightmare straight from hell! Where is the “OFF” switch?! I also don’t do well with crowds, lack of personal space to recharge my internal batteries, visual clutter, flickering lights, tight or uncomfortable clothing, strong perfumes I don’t like, textures (both food and fabrics), temperature extremes, and work/thought interruptions. Anything that gives me a feeling of “complete overwhelm” from sensory overload makes me twitch.
5: Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria
(RSD): Makes regulating emotions challenging and leads to taking feedback very personally – I’m constantly told, “just let it go.” It’s not that simple. No, more like it’s not actually possible. ADHDers often experience this in the workplace, or by friends or family “who mean well” with their unsolicited advice. Or by people who delve out criticism with no bedside manner. I tend to take it personally, and I can’t help it. At that point – and I’m being honest – that person will move to my shit list. I will hold onto grudges with a death grip. It’s terrible! This is one dysfunction I want to give back.
6: Justice Sensitivity
Tendency to notice and identify wrong-doing and injustice, and have intense adverse reactions – My entire divorce was WAY PAST anything remotely related to justice. Even though it’s over, it can still consume me if I let it! I witnessed how our legal system is broken. No one cares about facts. It’s not about fairness, right or wrong. It’s about who can make who go broke first. In my case, the abusive, compulsive gambling, habitual lying con artist I should have NEVER married…won. Justice was not served. It was nowhere to be found. I believe in what’s RIGHT – and “justice” is like unicorns or Bigfoot. There are rumors, but none of it is real.
7: Oppositional Defiance Disorder
Defiant, disobedient, and hostile behaviors toward authority figures or “rules”– First, you’ll NEVER find me doing anything illegal! Here’s a REAL example… After years of obediently checking in for flights because I’m “supposed to”…and STILL getting in the very last boarding group even when I’m ON TOP OF IT, I realized people are probably paying for early checkin! I refuse! So, I’ll show up early, check my carryon if the flight’s full, and plan to be the LAST person to board. I’ll hang out at the bar instead of waiting like a sardine on the plane! I’m not checking in, nor competing in a race I won’t ever win. The airlines can shove it! I’ll take one less thing I gotta do!
8: Seasonal Affective Disorder
Occurs usually in the winter when daylight hours are shorter – College in freezing Bozeman, Montana, where it can (and did) snow nine months out of the year, nearly ruined me. I was a WRECK. I cried all the time, especially walking (and falling) to/from class in the snow. My nose would freeze shut when I sniffed, and my eyelashes froze and broke off. I read somewhere (probably a magazine since the internet wasn’t a thing yet) that lack of sun was my problem. So, I found an all-night tanning salon and went when I got off work. It saved my life! I looked forward to my 20 minutes of sun, and had one hell of a tan in the middle of winter! Since then…I get plenty of time outside. I need sunshine.
9: Dyscalculia
The inability to grasp mathematical/numbers concepts and having a faulty sense of direction – “North…is always in front of me.” That’s no matter where I am! It’s the joke between my friends and me. I have Siri take me everywhere because I wouldn’t be able to get there otherwise. I need landmarks and daylight. Nighttime…I’m lost. Furthermore, if I had to take calculus in college, I’d still be there. I can add, subtract, multiply, and divide if I have my phone or calculator near, and I could probably do it long hand if I had a gun to my head, but be prepared to wait a while! I don’t get math. I can memorize phone numbers, but don’t ask me to make the numbers DO something.
