They’re everywhere and you need to be aware of them, because if you’re an ADHDer, you’re one hell of a meal ticket by default. You are a people pleaser. You like making sure everyone is happy, because if they’re happy, you’re happy. You take care of everyone else before you take care of yourself. You do whatever it takes, and you’re the pillar of strength for many people. You’re also a sitting duck for a narcissist.
Why? They need supply and you are drool-worthy. They want to be taken care of. They want to be pleased. And you…are just the person to help them get all that done if you don’t catch on in a big, bad hurry.
BEFORE WE GET STARTED WITH ALL THIS…
I am not a doctor, nor do I have any right to “diagnose” anyone with anything. But what I CAN do is outline what to look for. I found and compiled all this information online, just like anyone else can. Know the symptoms. Keep your eyes peeled for the red flags and warning signs. You need to protect yourself! And I say that out of love, because no one protected me from the parasite I used to be married to.
The MOST IMPORTANT THING for you to do is to protect yourself at all times. TRUST NO ONE.
Common Patterns and Behaviors
- Hurrying Relationships: Narcissists often rush into relationships with professions of love and commitment to swiftly gain emotional control.
- Addictions/Vices: Narcissists may turn to alcohol, drugs, gambling, or other vices as coping mechanisms for their inner turmoil or as part of seeking thrill and control.
- Triggers: Criticism, perceived slights, or challenges to their inflated self-image often trigger extreme reactions.
- Motivations: Most are driven by a need for admiration, validation, control, or power, masking deep-seated insecurities and low self-esteem.
Overlap & Shifting
When dealing with narcissistic partners, it’s not uncommon to see them shift between different types of narcissistic behavior. For example, while a covert narcissist may initially present as shy or misunderstood, during moments of stress or when they feel threatened, such as during a breakup, they can exhibit extreme and even malignant traits. This transition can be alarming and confusing, as the person you once knew seems to morph into someone capable of intense manipulation and cruelty. Understanding these shifts is crucial to recognizing the full scope of narcissistic abuse and protecting yourself from its harmful impacts.
Overlapping and Transitioning Narcissistic Types
Narcissistic traits can exist on a spectrum, and individuals might display behaviors from more than one type of narcissism at different times or under different circumstances. For example, in day-to-day interactions, a covert narcissist might appear sensitive, withdrawn, and constantly craving recognition or sympathy. However, during the “discard phase” — a period when the narcissist decides to end a relationship abruptly — stress and the threat to their self-image can trigger a shift to more overt and aggressive behaviors. This is when their traits can take on a malignant edge:
- Heightened Manipulation: They might engage in severe manipulative tactics, like gaslighting, spreading false information (the classic smear campaign), or trying to turn others against you – including your own friends or family members. They will do whatever they can to make YOU look like the one who’s crazy.
- Aggression: The anger and resentment that were previously simmering under the surface can burst forth, displaying overt hostility and vindictiveness. This can become a very scary situation! I know this because I lived through it! GET AWAY. I don’t care what you need to do to protect yourself, but DO IT!!!
- Lack of Remorse: Malignant behaviors may include a blatant disregard for the well-being of others, showcasing a sociopath-like tendency to inflict emotional pain without guilt. The name-calling and lambasting will reach all new heights, and you will be to blame for EVERYTHING.
Why This Happens
- Psychological Defense Mechanisms: When their self-image is threatened, covert narcissists may employ more aggressive tactics to restore their sense of control and superiority. If you’re threatening to leave, you’re threatening their livelihood.
- Stress Triggers: High-stress situations, like relationship conflict or rejection, can exacerbate narcissistic traits, causing abrupt behavioral shifts. The narcissist will become someone you don’t even recognize – right before your eyes – in literally the same minute they seemed “decent”.
- Survival Strategy: The discard phase can be seen as a survival strategy for narcissists. By aggressively discarding someone or causing pain, they are attempting to avoid confronting their vulnerabilities or insecurities. The madness becomes much worse when YOU are the one who’s discarding the narcissist. Only THEY can call the shots. You don’t get to do that in their book, and they get nice and angry when you violate their code of conduct.
Types of Narcissism
Grandiose Narcissism
Grandiose narcissists often exhibit an inflated sense of self-importance, believing they are superior to others. They crave admiration and validation from those around them and display a high level of arrogance and entitlement. Often charming and charismatic, they use these traits to manipulate and control situations and people to their advantage. They struggle with criticism and may react with rage or disdain when challenged. Common behaviors include boasting about accomplishments, exaggerating achievements, and a lack of empathy for others.
Traits:
- Hurrying relationships to gain control and admiration quickly.
- Often comes across as charming and assertive initially.
- Vices: May be prone to addiction to success, power, and dominance.
- Triggers: Criticism, failure, or any events that dent their grandiose self-image.
- Motivations: Seeking constant admiration and validation to inflate their ego.
Vulnerable Narcissism
Vulnerable narcissists are more sensitive and defensive compared to their grandiose counterparts. They often experience feelings of insecurity and a deep fear of rejection or abandonment. Their narcissism manifests in covert ways, such as hypersensitivity to criticism, social withdrawal, and passive-aggressive behaviors. They may appear shy or humble on the surface, but harbor deep-seated fantasies of grandeur and entitlement. This type often struggles with envy and feels easily slighted, leading to mood swings and bouts of depression.
Traits:
- May exhibit victim mentality and be emotionally fragile.
- Hurries relationships to secure validation and support.
- Vices: May resort to passive-aggressive behaviors, substance abuse to cope with insecurities.
- Triggers: Perceived rejection or threats to their self-worth.
- Motivations: Desire for recognition without necessarily boasting openly.
Malignant Narcissism
Malignant narcissists combine elements of narcissism, antisocial behavior, and aggression without a sense of conscience. They are often manipulative, deceptive, and enjoy causing harm or discomfort to others. They display traits of paranoia and can be vindictive if they feel threatened or wronged. Their behaviors often include gaslighting, orchestrating smear campaigns, and extreme control over others. Malignant narcissists are more likely to engage in criminal or unethical activities to achieve their goals, making them particularly dangerous.
Traits:
- Displays aggressive, manipulative, and deceitful behaviors.
- Rushing relationships to dominate and exploit others.
- Vices: Tendencies towards sadism, criminal behavior, and substance abuse.
- Triggers: Any act that threatens their control or exposes their vulnerabilities.
- Motivations: Power, control, and inflicting fear or suffering on others.
Covert Narcissism
Covert narcissists, also known as “vulnerable” or “introverted” narcissists (note the overlap), tend to hide behind a facade of humility or sensitivity. Unlike grandiose narcissists, they don’t openly display their need for admiration. Instead, they may constantly feel unappreciated or misunderstood. They often suffer from chronic envy and harbor grievances against those they perceive as more successful. Behavioral traits include playing the victim, passive-aggressiveness, and a tendency to create drama or chaos subtly to draw attention and sympathy. They may also struggle with anxiety and depression.
Traits:
- Appears shy or modest, but harbor intense feelings of unrecognized greatness.
- Manipulates relationships subtly, often playing the martyr.
- Vices: Self-pity and indirect ways of seeking attention, like illness faking.
- Triggers: Being overlooked or unappreciated.
- Motivations: Secretly wishing for admiration and recognition without overt avenues.
Uncovering the Covert Narcissist
Narcissists are notorious for being on their “best behavior” until they can’t take it anymore. Even though they work really hard to keep things under wraps, there are still indicators – RED FLAGS – we can be on the lookout for.
- Hidden Grandiosity: They may not openly boast about their achievements, but they secretly believe they are superior to others. And they want recognition to follow suit! They will find people who will appreciate them, even if you don’t. And sometimes, this will involve them bringing in other people to either justify their behavior OR to make you jealous.
- Envy and Resentment: They often feel envious of others’ successes and may subtly undermine others to feel superior. YOU might be the person they envy the most! Narcissists target their victims by their supply. If you have lots to give, they will have lots to take!
- Victim Mentality: They frequently adopt a victim role, making others feel guilty or responsible for their feelings and problems. It WILL be someone else’s fault, no matter what happened. Remember…a narcissist is one of two things: a victim OR a hero. Nothing more. And if you’re conveniently close by, you’ll most likely be blamed. And if you didn’t do it (whatever that might be), then you’ll be blamed for NOT doing something to fix it.
- Passive-Aggressive Behavior: They may express their anger or resentment indirectly, through procrastination, stubbornness, and subtle digs or sarcasm. This is their nifty way to start breaking you down and getting you confused before the real “devaluation phase” starts. Don’t be surprised if the name calling and rages start here – because they gotta start somewhere!
- Avoidance of Responsibility: They often evade accountability by making excuses, lying, or manipulating situations to avoid blame. Nothing is their fault, nor will it BE their fault, either. If they simply aren’t responsible for anything, they can’t be blamed for it. Easy way out.
- Lack of Empathy: They struggle to genuinely empathize with others, often viewing situations solely from their own perspective. If you had a bad day, either it’s “all in your head” OR their day was worse. They won’t probably ask you what happened, because they don’t care! With that said, BE ON YOUR TOES if they DO ask what happened!! Why? Consider it their “recon mission”. They’re gathering intel to use against you at a later date. You complaining helps them know what you don’t like. They’re taking notes, believe me.
- Frequent Complaining: They may complain excessively, creating a sense of constant dissatisfaction or annoyance. This set of circular complaints will swirl around the drain of deceit until you’re utterly exhausted and confused. DO NOT contribute to the complaints. It’s best to change the subject and walk away.
- Self-Pity: They regularly engage in self-pity, seeking sympathy and attention from others to validate their feelings of worth. You’ll be on their shit list if you don’t play into their pity party because either you “don’t care” or you’re taking attention away from them. It’s best to not engage and walk away.
Common Jobs and Careers for Narcissists
Narcissists thrive in certain jobs because the roles they play often place individuals in the public eye, providing the admiration and validation they crave. Many of these positions come with significant power over others, which is a key motivator for narcissists. These jobs often allow individuals to influence others and gain prestige, feeding their sense of superiority. They also offer high levels of authority and independence, which appeal to a narcissist’s desire for control.
- Corporate Executives and CEOs
Why It Appeals: High-status positions with substantial power, control over others, and recognition.
Traits Exhibited: Arrogance, assertiveness, and a strong desire for control and achievement.- Example: John, a CEO of a tech startup, often takes credit for his team’s successes and downplays their contributions. He is known for making impulsive decisions without consulting others, purely to showcase his decisiveness.
- Anecdote: John once fast-tracked a product launch without adequately testing it. When the product failed, he blamed the engineers and marketing team, while refusing to acknowledge his role in the decision.
- Politicians
Why It Appeals: Public admiration, influence, and platforms for power and control.
Traits Exhibited: Charismatic public persona, manipulative behaviors, and a desire for dominance.- Example: Susan, a local politician, frequently disregards her constituents’ needs in favor of policies that will increase her visibility and popularity.
- Anecdote: During a crisis, Susan held multiple press conferences to highlight her leadership but took no substantial action to address the issue, ensuring that the coverage was more about her than the solutions.
- Actors and Performers
Why It Appeals: Constant admiration, attention, and validation from audiences.
Traits Exhibited: Seeking the spotlight, charm, and often intense mood swings based on public opinion.- Example: David, a well-known actor, constantly seeks praise from directors and fans, often belittling co-stars and crew members.
- Anecdote: On a movie set, David insisted on multiple takes for a scene in which he had already performed flawlessly, merely to prolong the attention from the crew and director.
- Lawyers
Why It Appeals: Opportunities for high stakes, control over legal outcomes, and prestige.
Traits Exhibited: Argumentative, manipulative, and a strong will to win.- Example: Angela, a prominent lawyer, is notorious for her aggressive tactics both in and out of the courtroom. She often pressures witnesses and manipulates evidence to win cases.
- Anecdote: Angela manipulated a key witness into giving false testimony, risking the case and the witness’s credibility, simply to ensure she came out on top.
- Doctors and other Medical Professionals
Why It Appeals: High respect, control over patients’ lives, and professional admiration.
Traits Exhibited: Arrogance, a sense of superiority, and an insatiable need for validation.- Example: Dr. Michael, a renowned surgeon, dismisses his colleagues’ opinions and insists his methods are superior without considering new research.
- Anecdote: Dr. Michael once performed an experimental surgery without proper consent, convinced that his approach would revolutionize medicine. When complications arose, he blamed the patient’s condition instead of his risky choice.
- Entrepreneurs
Why It Appeals: Autonomy, control over business ventures, and potential for significant success and recognition.
Traits Exhibited: Risk-taking, assertiveness, and a need for independence and admiration.- Example: Rachel, a startup founder, dominates her team meetings and ignores team feedback, believing her ideas are infallible.
- Anecdote: Rachel once overruled her team about a critical market launch date, driven by her gut feeling. When the launch failed to generate expected buzz, she criticized the marketing team for poor execution, never acknowledging her poor timing decision.
- Real Estate Agents
Why It Appeals: High earning potential, independence, and opportunities to influence and persuade clients.
Traits Exhibited: Charismatic, persuasive, and often excessively self-promotional.- Example: Tom, a top-selling real estate agent, often exaggerates property features and makes unrealistic promises to clients.
- Anecdote: Tom aggressively pursued a new client by making over-the-top claims about market trends and opportunities, only for the client to face significant financial loss based on Tom’s misleading advice.
- Entertainers and Influencers
Why It Appeals: Social media fame, public adoration, and constant feedback loops of likes and comments.
Traits Exhibited: Image-centric behavior, constant need for attention, and validation.- Example: Jenna, a popular influencer, prioritizes likes and followers over genuine content, often resorting to controversial posts to garner attention.
- Anecdote: Jenna staged a “spontaneous” charitable act on social media, ensuring her team filmed it from the best angles. When followers questioned the authenticity, she lashed out, claiming they were ungrateful for her efforts.
