ADHDers can’t “get over it.”
We’re constantly told, “Let it go.” There’s even a song about it that kids – and admittedly a few adults, including myself – sing when the timing is right. You know the one.
It’s not that simple. Individuals with ADHD often experience a frustrating condition known as Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). This can make regulating emotions challenging and lead to taking feedback personally. Navigating this in the workplace can be particularly difficult, as feedback on work quality is inevitable. However, it’s important to recognize that criticism is often about the specific task or report and not a personal attack. Except we don’t take it that way. We take it personally. And we can’t help it.
For example, receiving feedback about improving grammar in a paragraph or suggestions to make the writing flow better shouldn’t typically be upsetting. However, when we see amendments being made or receive a list of changes (regardless of their importance), it can lead us to question our abilities, our suitability for the job, and even our likability among colleagues.
A specific aspect of RSD is the difficulty in letting go of perceived injustices—though these are rarely actual matters of “justice”—both in professional and personal contexts. Compromise can be particularly challenging for those with ADHD when it seems uneven. Although we may understand the logic behind a decision, emotionally it can be tough to accept, potentially leading to resentment and noncompliance.
Consider a scenario where both you and Brian in accounting request the same week off, but only one of you can take it. The manager grants the time off to Brian because he has children and you do not. While you can acknowledge that a parent’s time with their children is likely more crucial than your week of vegging out, running a bunch of useless errands, and indulging in Professor Peppy (given that Dr. Pepper is too pricey these days), you might still feel that Brian’s parental responsibilities (presuming they were a choice) shouldn’t devalue YOUR time off! Why should you have to be the one to sacrifice?
This tendency to hold onto grudges can be common for those with ADHD, leading to negative outcomes such as prolonged low moods and irritability. Being advised to “let it go” often feels dismissive, making us feel invalidated. While we grasp the logic, hearing such phrases can intensify negative emotions. This doesn’t mean we need to be shielded from reality but suggests that a more empathetic and eloquent approach—beyond simply saying “get over it”—could be helpful.
It’s important to distinguish RSD from childishness. Emotional regulation is a key difference between children and adults, and the misconception that RSD reflects bratty behavior or childishness due to unmet desires is incorrect. Instead, understanding and reassurance are crucial. Clear explanations about decisions and sincere affirmations that feedback or decisions are situational, not personal, can make a significant difference. A bit of reassurance can truly help.
Note from Kim – I have a serious ongoing (lifetime) volatile affair with RSD! I get how this whole thing works BIG TIME!! I will drag along grudges for DECADES. Forgive and forget?! You’ve got to be kidding me. Forgive…maybe if the planets are all aligned and that person did something exceptionally nice to make up for it, but forgetting?! NEVER. Oh, if only I were kidding. If you do me wrong, it’s possible I may never talk to you again! I hate lies, dishonesty, and malicious intentions. If I determine ANY of those things are a factor, the worse things get.
ANY form of unfairness is not OK, and it’s totally personal! It’s even personal when it’s not our problem! We will happily get pissed on behalf of someone else. We are all about the underdog. Our logic tells us RSD is way over the top, but with ADHD, logic is like Bigfoot. Good luck finding it. And let the ruminating begin…
