POSTED ON SUBSTACK FEBRUARY 27 AND MARCH 6, 2026 (two video posts)
20 Tell-Tale Signs (THE TRANSCRIPT)
These tell-tale signs are straight out of my own nightmares, enhanced with those from a few of my friends. We all have bad days! I get that. Look for consistency. The more of these you check off, the more you may need to seek support. Or move to Mars. I’m a graphic designer, not a doctor. But I’ve been there.
Oh – and one more thing. Unless you’re a licensed mental health professional, DO NOT call anyone a narcissist, even if you have no doubt. We have no right to diagnose anyone. The purpose of these videos is to help you (or someone you know) recognize a potentially bad situation. Knowledge is power. Listen to your gut/intuition.
- Nothing is, or ever will be…their fault. They seem to have a PhD in blame shifting. If something goes wrong, someone or something will always be to blame. Or be out to get them. They cannot and will not do anything wrong. Or shady. Or conniving. Or illegal. And if they do, it’s justifiable somehow. If there is no one to blame for their bad behavior, then someone or something MADE them do it. Therefore, it’s still not their fault.
- They cannot and will not apologize for anything. And if they do, it’s to shut you up because they’re sick and tired of listening to you. Apologies are like giant squids. They’re rarely seen! Besides…they have nothing they need to apologize for (see #1) UNLESS they’re working on getting something out of you. Otherwise, you’re more likely to run into a Sasquatch at Starbucks.
- Nothing you do will ever rival what they’ve done. They’re always going to have a story that somehow tops yours. You climbed Mount Everest? They climbed it, too… twice. And they did it faster than you and conditions were FAR worse when they did it. You had a bad day? Theirs was worse. You have a headache? They’ve had one for a week. No matter what it is, they need to be the winner. They need to be the center of attention. All roads lead back to them. And they’re all uphill.
- Lies are basically the same thing as the truth. And the more lies they tell, the more they actually start believing them. And it’s their hope YOU will believe them, too. They’ll probably start out with low-key lies. The little white lies that stretch the truth a smidge. But those little lies turn into big lies. Pretty soon, they’re telling lies to cover up other lies. Before you know it, they’ve laid out all kinds of BS, and none of it adds up. They’re counting on it. Confusion is key. Their opinions are facts and your facts are just opinions. They think everyone else is stupid, and they’ll treat you like it. If you ask too many questions or call them out on their lies, you’ll have big regrets.
- YOU’re a drama queen. Except they’re the ones that created the drama and trapped you in it! They HATE push-back. The second you open your mouth or indicate you disagree or don’t like something they’re forcing down your throat, you’re going to be the bad guy. They’re chaos coordinators, and they’re really good at it. They change schedules. They change plans. They change the rules. They make things up as they go along. You’re the one who’s not paying attention. You’re the complainer. You’re the one who’s making things difficult because you had to open your big mouth. Who cares what you think anyhow?! You’re stupid, remember?
- You’re the one with the problem. If they cause havoc, it’s your problem. If you’re embarrassed because they unloaded every insult they had on the waitress at the restaurant you just ate at, it’s your problem. (The poor girl probably forgot to refill his coffee during the breakfast rush.) Or they blatantly hit on the waitress right in front of you. That’s when you get to hear all about how overly-sensitive and paranoid you are – more problems of yours. If you don’t like the schedule they came up with for you, it’s your problem. You get the gist here? NOTHING they do is ever wrong, nor is it their problem. It’s YOUR problem. In fact, YOU are the problem.
- You’re accused of ___________ (fill in the blank, and the crazier the better). This will run the whole gamut of accusations. You’re lying. You’re cheating. You took something. You did something. You didn’t do something. You lost something. You’re keeping secrets. You’re the horrible person who’s making everyone else miserable. But here’s the thing about this… What they’re accusing you of…is probably what they’re actually guilty of! Think of this whole thing as an admission of sorts. Be on alert because it could get ugly.
- You start to wonder if they’re getting Alzheimer’s or dementia. You can remind them 40 times about something really important. But if it’s not important to them…garbage in, garbage out. They won’t recall a thing. Or claim they don’t. They put words in your mouth you didn’t say. They tell stories about stuff that didn’t happen – or it’s so exaggerated from the real story that it’s no longer the story. You’d know. You were there and saw the whole thing. Or you’ve heard the story before and it mutates every time it gets re-told. They have a selective memory, especially when it comes to promises they made. More like selective amnesia. They make all kinds of promises they can’t keep. They never intended to keep them! They just want to keep you quiet and hanging on until they can either get what they want out of you, or locate their next fuel source.
- They act like a 12-year old bully having a toddler temper tantrum, complete with insults and name calling.Oh man. If you’re on the bad side of their day, you’re going to hear about it. Stand up to them, and they won’t hesitate to ruin you, your reputation, and everything you know and love just because they can’t take it all away from you. They want power and control over everything – including you. If you get in their way, there will be hell to pay. They’ll insult you to the core. They’ll hit you where it hurts most. And it’ll be your fault. See #1. This whole thing can get VERY scary! There’s a physical transformation that happens during these rages, too. It’s like their face changes! I can’t describe it better than that, but you’ll know it when you see it. It’s like something evil takes over them! (This is no joke!) Once the rage passes, Mr. Hyde will turn back into Dr. Jekyll. They’ll walk away as if nothing ever happened. See #8. You can’t possibly forget all that, nor can you just let it go. The threats are real and they make it personal. Be VERY aware…because these rages can lead to physical abuse!
- They’ll rarely talk about how they feel. And if they do…watch out. It’s a winter storm warning! You know when they’re angry. They show it. You know when they’re hurt. They get defensive. But everything else…they’d rather keep you guessing! To them, empathy is a disease. And for you…getting sympathy is a pipe dream. You better find your friends for all that. Except they don’t like it when you talk to your friends. (Your friends know too much.)Here’s the deal: they CAN’T feel. They’re not capable. They genuinely don’t care how YOU feel, either, unless it affects them and/or something they want. They’ll keep you hanging. BUT (!!) there’s an exception! If they do get “deep” and tell you something personal, they’re most likely trying to “trauma bond” with you. Hook, line, and sinker. They open up to you…and then you open up to them. It’s how it works, right? WRONG! They’re gathering intel to use against you later. It’s all being filed away, trust me.
- Your stuff is their stuff, and their stuff is also their stuff. They will use/treat/eat your stuff as if it’s theirs, but if you do the same with something of theirs, you get reprimanded! Nothing will be equal. If they damage or break your stuff, it’s either going to be your fault, or it was poorly made and you shouldn’t have purchased it in the first place (and it was inevitable that it was going to break.) They won’t be buying you a new one of whatever it was, either. That’s admitting fault. See #1. Now, on the flip side…if you accidentally break or lose something of theirs, it’s personal. Prepare for war. And it’s going to be nice and expensive. They’re not going to let it go until they have a new one that’s better than the old one, and you’ve also paid for dinner because you OWE them.
- Press is press. Good press, bad press…it’s all press. As long as they’re the center of attention, it’s all good. Good press makes them feel almighty and powerful, like the person they think they are. Bad press gives them an excuse to perfect their bad behavior. To them, relationships are like a spectator sport. You’re the audience, they’re the star. They think everyone is as fascinated by them as they are. As long as they’re noticed, who cares what people think. They have very few true friends. They’re acquaintances who only know so much.
- Everything is a competition. You want to lose weight? Suddenly, they’re trying to make a bet that they can lose more than you. You want game night? They’ll only play games they can consistently win. If they win, they’ll rub their victory all over you like stinky lotion. They’ll be loud and obnoxious about it, too. If they lose…they’ll either be loud and obnoxious, OR you’ll get the silent treatment. Pray for the latter. You could use a break from the drama. Small victories. Oh – and they may never play that game again…you were cheating.
- One word: Sabotage. You declare you want to start eating healthy. They come home from Costco with a stockpile of chips, cheese, bacon, and bread. You buy vegetables for salads. They sauté up all the peppers and onions in bacon grease. You have an important meeting. They need to talk to you RIGHT NOW. You’re excited about date night and a concert you bought tickets for. Then something comes up last minute. It always does. You have three options: Take someone else (which is hard to do last minute), go by yourself (so much fun), or you don’t go at all (and suffer the disappointment of missing the concert you were dying to go to – and they knew it.) Not only do they get the last laugh for foiling your plans, it also cost you money. Total bonus for them. They love it when you lose money.
- They’re thrill/feel-good seekers. They like living on the edge and doing things that might be perceived as “dangerous” or non-conventional somehow. They’re dopamine junkies. They’re miserable and just want a high. Gambling, sex, base jumping, drugs/alcohol abuse…whatever it takes. Sadly, some of the thrill may come from ruining you. They love it when they get to unleash their fury. It’s like blowing off steam. If something happens (like they gamble all their money or break their leg during their skydiving landing), it’ll be your fault.
- Social media is a shrine dedicated to their greatness. Question it, and they’re going to unload on you like the poor waitress I mentioned earlier. They monitor social media like a hawk, and believe me…they’re watching you. One false move, and Mars will start sounding like a really good idea. There are two different strategies with social media. Either they put out every B-roll clip they’ve got to show the world how awesome their life is, or they don’t post at all. Pay attention. If they stop posting, it’s probably not a good sign. Change your passcodes and logins often! They’re dying to find more stuff they can use against you.
- Birthdays and holidays are for them. Including YOUR birthday. Sure, they’ll get you a gift or do something nice for you. They’re a superhero. But what they’re really wanting is your undying admiration, compliments, and gratitude for their undying generosity. They may do very little to celebrate your birthday, but when it comes to theirs…you better plan a surprise parade. If you can’t get that done, you’ll be in the doghouse. Christmas is a competition. Who can decorate the best, who can get the best gifts, and who can give the best gifts. They want to be the center of attention. Who cares about the birth of Jesus.
- They think your job is to make them happy, and their job is… Well, they’re still trying to figure that out. It’s your obligation to take care of them. When they’re sick, the world may end tomorrow. If you’re sick, you better get your ass out of bed and go to the store with them. Probably so you can pay for it all. People they work with avoid them because they’re like an unstable atom bomb. They often get fired at work because either they can’t play well with others, OR they think things should be done their way and there are no exceptions. Employers don’t like that very much. Yet they believe they’re really good at what they do. They claim people everywhere are chomping at the bit to hire them.
- Getting a compliment from them is like slowly getting poisoned. They might say something nice about you if they want something from you. They don’t mean it. They’re trying to stay in your good graces long enough so you can support their agenda. You’re working for them. You just don’t know it. If they like your ideas, they’ll steal them and take the credit, just like the worst boss you ever had. Guess what? That boss was also one of these people. The dog that bites the hardest gets to eat first. Everyone else gets the scraps. Until someone bigger, better, and badder than them finally calls the shots. I call it divine intervention.
- YOU getting a compliment from someone else will slowly poison THEM. Jealousy. They can’t stand it if you take the spotlight. They’ll play it off and pretend to be happy for you. They’re actually trying to figure out how to steal your thunder. They want to take credit for everything that made you successful, because after all…they helped you succeed. It was a team effort unless they’re the ones getting the compliment. You don’t get to enjoy the compliment you earned. Instead, you find yourself defending why you might have deserved it in the first place. They want all the glory.
